I’ve stopped trying to find blogs by people that share by disabilities. Searching “[condition/label] blog” doesn’t send me to blogs of people with that condition or label (hell, I might not even get a blog). No, I get to see the ugliness that is “Secondhand Sufferers.”
The concept of Secondhand Sufferers developed from several years of attempting to find blogs by people with attention deficit disorder. Rather than get blogs by people with ADD, I get bombarded by parents, teachers, doctors, and others affected by people with ADD. These typically refer to children with ADD and focus on the negatives of the disorder.
Or, to be more precise, the negatives of having to put up with someone with ADD. The underlining tones are that people with ADD are tiresome, irritating, unruly. But, damnit, they’re going to be helped. Helped being regulated to making people with ADD more normal, behaving within social constraints, etc.
The emphasis isn’t on whether the person in question wants help, let alone the help of the Secondhand sufferer. The person with a disability is pushed to the background because their condition is “hurting” them. Hurting the person with a disability as defined as “being a burden or irritation for an able bodied person, typically a family member, coworker, or friend.”
So, what do these Secondhand Sufferers complain about anyway?
My AD/HD Child Won’t Do His/Her Homework,Chores, or What I Tell Them to!
First off, this complaint assumes that a child’s disability is the cause of the problem. Why mention it at all? Children independent of disability may be disobedient.
And the solution? Be stricter and enforce discipline more. This delves into the pseudosceptical belief that children with ADD don’t really have a disability, they’re just undisciplined. In addition, this tactic doesn’t address the why of the child’s behavior, because it’s just their ADD, right? Well, no, not necessarily.
In my case, if someone wants me to do something they need to tell me: why they want it done, when they want it done by, why the hell I should be the one doing it, and who it impacts and how. Sorry, but I’m not going to waste my time and energy on something that I don’t see as important.
X Cures/Treats Y
Alright, there’s lots that’s been said already on why this isn’t okay. So, why is this relevant to a discussion of Secondhand Sufferers? Because many of these people are parents who may implement these “treatments.” Again, there is no statement as to whether the person with a disability accepts the treatment or is in a position to denigh it.
This is particularly dangerous in regards to diet changes to treat symptoms. Diet changes should be talked over with a doctor, not accepted because someone on the Internet claims that sugar causes hyperactivity, gluten causes autism, etc. In regards to children, they most likely do not have the skills, knowledge or finances to prepare their own healthy, balanced meals and may be forced to eat a questionable diet or starve.
He/She Won’t Do Anything, Stays on the Couch All the Time, etc.
More common with pain disorders, mobility limitations, depression, chronic fatigue, and other conditions that limit a person’s energy or mobility, this complaint assumes that the person in question doesn’t need this additional down time. For anyone that thinks lying around is fun: bedsores hurt, boredom is often, and bathroom and eating tasks are fucking hard in a stationary position.
In addition, the Secondhand Sufferer blames the person with a disability for the Secondhand Sufferer not going out or doing X activity. The Secondhand Sufferer doesn’t just do this activity by/for themselves despite being perfectly capable of doing so.
And the person with a disability already feels bad about being limited in their activities. This isn’t to say that the person wants to be pitied, but the activities he or she does do must be pretty damned important to them.
How Not to be a Secondhand Sufferer
That’s just 3 cases that I can relate where a non-disabled person has, in person, demonstrated that they “sufferer” because I have a disability. So, how should one behave to not end up sounding like a Secondhand Sufferer?
- When complaining about a person, don’t mention his/her disability. It isn’t relevant and is enforcing a stereotype of people with a disability. This is a person not a disability that is being talked about.
- Don’t suggest or enforce a treatment for a person unless you are this person’s physician. It assumes that you know what’s best, which isn’t the case and insinuates that the person’s symptoms somehow affect you.
- Don’t assume someone gets angry at you because of their mental illness. As surprising as it might be, people (even people with mental illness) have the right to be angry at you. Yeah, maybe you don’t understand why they would be angry, but that doesn’t mean their anger is wrong.
- Having to change your habits, work styles, or settings to accommodate another person isn’t a fucking hardship for a non-disabled person. I know doing things differently is scary, but just think of it as a learning experience.
- Believe a person when they say they need something. If it’s a few hours lying down, prescription pain killers, a larger font size, lactose-free meals, etc., just believe them. Telling a person that they’re making you do extra work, ruining family-time, not pulling their weight, lying or that it is “all in their head” isn’t constructive.
Any other suggestions? Or Secondhand Sufferer sightings?
