Today, I got Dr. Aditi Shankardass‘s presentation, “A second opinion on learning disorders,” in my RSS feed (note: video and transcript are available on the page). And, I have very mixed opinions. Shankardass is an expert and is supporting a more medical definition of learning disorders; many learning disorders are defined by behavior as seen from an external view, not through the individual experience.

Yet, there were several things in this video that grated on me. First, the nit picky things. By “learning disability,” it actually means “neurological disorder.” Learning disabilities are things like dyslexia. Autism (which this lecture focuses on), ADHD, epilepsy, and other examples are not learning disabilities (although, they impact learning). I don’t know if Shankardass named the  talk, as there was a slide where learning disabilities were noted separately from these other disorders.

On to the just “ick” factor. For a seven minute video, “suffer” is used 7 times. Two of these were in relation to the neurotypical person suffering. Yes, because neurological disorders are the end all of intelligence. The locked/unlocked mind metaphor is used to describe communication deficits. Okay, just because the outside world isn’t getting the message, doesn’t mean a person is trapped.

Finally, the straw that gets Alison to write rather than crash on the couch: Shankardass states she found half of children diagnosed with autism actually have brain seizures. Okay, first, there is no explanation of the numbers of children in the study, what part of the autism spectrum they were testing on, and other real basic scientific process. (I tried finding a paper on this work, but haven’t turned up anything.)

I know damn well what it feels like when someone dismisses your disability or dismisses that you have a disability. By giving people more reasons to dismiss a disability, does not help people with disabilities. Alison’s inner theater¹:

Autistic Person: I have autism. Could you accommodate me by—

Neurotypical: —I heard that’s really just brain seizures.

Autistic Person: I don’t have epilipsy; I have autism.

Neurotypical: Have you had an EEG? Or maybe you should just try some seizure meds.

I wish I had a more optimistic view. But, I get to deal with people dismissing my disabilities, telling me “cures,” and ignoring my personhood regularly. I don’t expect people with autism to be free of negative experiences in relation to their disability. Which is different from “suffering” from a disability. It’s external forces (including people) that causes a person with disabilities to have difficulties.

¹ I do not have autism and do not speak for anyone with autism. Internal “theater” are compilations of a disordered mind.

Had to pack and move (don’t recommend moving down and up stairs).

Got an internship, which has had me jumping through all sort of hoops. It’s hard to complain when I got the position at the last conceivable moment (someone had decided to go with another position, I gather) with only a 30 minute phone interview. The commute is about 2 hours, so they gave me a nice stipend for a hotel. I do miss my stuff and my puppy.

And, of course, the stress has me being sick most of the time. As if being stressed isn’t a good—er, bad?—enough. That said, I have had little plot bunnies hopping through my head. But, it’s sleepy time now. Hopefully, in the next few days I can do another “What is CS?” (most likely on logic) and do prelem work on my newest project bunny plot (creating a pseudoperson and monitoring the effects).

Why are the breast physics so important? Why are strong, kick-ass women wearing next to no clothing and high heels?¹ Why are the female leads always the romantic interest for the male lead? Why are women developers objectified rather than admired for their talents? Why do women leave the gaming industry?² Why are there “girl editions”? And why are they always pink?³

But women aren’t the only ones that are not included into the gaming culture. This includes: people of color, people with disabilities, transmen and transwomen, non-heterosexuals—well, it just sort of continues on.

So, does any game at least do decent to promote diversity? Some. Not as many as I like, but some.

Beyond Good & Evil (2003) stars Jade. Jade wears cargo pants, a tank top, and a jacket. While her midriff is visible it isn’t sexy; it just sort of is there (going to go with that being the fashion of the times). She is taking on the world… through photojournalism. There isn’t any romance to be found in this title. While not intended, Jade’s design is racially ambiguous.

Mass Effect Series (2007—present) allows the user to build their own character. That said, all the marketing uses the default male character and the system enforces heteronormative romantic relationships. The women have personalities and objectives that are not necessarily best for everyone in the universe (just as the men do). It isn’t the portrayal of women that I like though.

No. It’s Jeff “Joker” Moreau, the Flight Lieutenant (read: pilot) for the series. He also has Vrolik syndrome, meaning he has bones that break very easily. When he walks, he limps and is in apparent pain. It’s a character with a disability! But, how do we know he isn’t a token character? Well, I say the biggest indication is that he isn’t a “very special lesson.” Joker is sarcastic, arrogant, and makes jokes. He is clever. He brags about excelling past his normal classmates, “They all got their asses kicked by the sickly kid with the creaky little legs. One guess who was smiling at graduation.”⁴

Final Fantasy XIII (2009) stars Lightening. For the main cast, half are women even. And they pass the Bechdel Test⁵. Hell, the only romantic subplot is between a lead male and a secondary character. The women themselves, well, they are varying degrees of sexualized and none of their clothes are particularly practical. But, they have opinions, beliefs, and secrets. Lightening punches people, as opposed to the more traditional slap; I admit it is more shocking with a woman than a man.

Even better there is a black man, Sazh. While the chocobo–friendly afro is a stereotype, he breaks many others. He is a single parent who cares deeply for his son. While he cracks jokes and is the apparent comedic relief, he is still very serious and much more mature than the other characters.

[Border House has great posts about Sazh and the women of Final Fantasy XIII.]

² Especially alarming considering how difficult it is to get into the gaming market.

³ I like pink, but give me red, green, purple, and all the other colors too!

⁴ This particular line resonates a lot with me. Not only do people with disabilities have to be equally talented to their peers, we have to be better. To make up for our disability in society’s eyes. Not a rational thought, but internalized messages rarely are.

⁵ The Bechdel Test says:

1. It has to have at least two women in it,
2. Who talk to each other,
3. About something besides a man.

One of my all time favorite quotes attributed to Edsger Dijkstra (one of the best known theorists and algorithms computer scientists) is:

Computer science is as much about computers as astronomy is about telescopes.

Djikstra felt very strongly that computer science should be viewed as a branch of mathematics. A radically novel subfield.

First, the “divide and conquer” view of large systems (breaking a universe into galaxies into solar systems and so forth) does not work for programs. Changing one bit (abstracted away in the creator’s mind), changes the entire system. There are no too small to matter parts.

Second, computer science relies on discrete numbers. A bit is a one or a zero (excluding quantum computing systems). Our logic depends on yes/no choice:

if (x) : then y
else : z

We pick branches; we do not go down multiple paths. A discrete system is antithesis to the analog perspective we humans have. We have the notion of “gray areas.” We can have proportions (like one third) that can only be estimated by a computer.

He was also adamant against software engineering, or as he called it, “The Doomed Discipline” as it cannot guarantee correctness. Consider testing: while one can find bugs through testing, one cannot prove there are no bugs in the code. (Not finding something is not definitive proof.)

In regards, to how he felt computer science should go, he demanded formality. Language should be accurate. Errors are not an infection or insect, and, hence, not a “bug.” Software and hardware are inanimate things; they should not be personified (they are genderless and do not desire, need, want, etc. anything).

And, our very beloved proofs. While not as formal as those in a mathematics course, there must be irrefutable logic to them. As this is a model-centric view, each program is an independent model. So, students need to be able to justify that their program (their proof) is sound.

Meritocracy claims that everyone earns their place. Technology fields like to spout about how they are so meritocratic. And this is complete bull shit.

The team above the group that demanded the bullshit “prove you’re a programmer” to me posted an internship. An internship that was a combination of marketing, intellectual property law, and open source software knowledge. I haven’t heard back from them. My male roommate (who has no marketing or law background and I wouldn’t trust to program his way out of a paper bag) has gotten a request for an interview. The person who got the previous position effectively saying that my roommate would be getting a job offer.

… Apparently, being talented isn’t good enough. Knowing the right person outweighs it substantially.

And, I know I sound bitter. But, I think it’s understandable. I work my ass off to be the best. It’s really special to see someone that has proved that they’re unreliable, incompetent, and arrogant regularly to be seen as so much better than me. I wouldn’t be angry if they were on equal par to me. Subpar though?

… Yeah, I’m not buying this company’s products. Why would I want to pursue the creations of a company that doesn’t want the best for a position. Only the one that has a good bud.

Today, the president of the engineering college’s SWE chapter came to visit. First off, my department is in the College of Natural Sciences which is why we have nothing to do with the engineering student chapters. And this was the first time I had a clear “yep, definitely do not want to be there” towards the engineering school.

The young lady that came to represent a student group to promote women engineers? If the title doesn’t make it obvious, was an antifeminist. Oh goody. I get that most women in male dominated fields don’t get exposed to feminist ideals. That said, I don’t count ignorance as an excuse, especially when it involves putting down others.

Yeah, I’m about as left as possible before looping back around to a fascist. So, instead of berating someone that next to no one reading this would even recognize, I’ve gone for:

Alison’s Happy-Go-Lucky Antifeminist Markings List

• Accepting sexist attitudes, languages, and acts. This includes emphasizing women have a “tough skin” (or else they are victims), claiming hurtful things as jokes, and ignoring criticism by others for antifeminist behaviours.
• Berating other women on the viewer’s evaluation of the woman for her feminine/masculine behaviours or appearance.
  • Bonus points if the antifeminist shares those traits.
• Claiming that women and men are equal.
  • Bonus points if this is in regard to pay rates, home maintenance, or child rearing.
• Expecting chivalry (i.e. man to pick up the check).
• Using sexist language about women or men, including brush stoke generalizations.
• Claim to speak for all women. Or speaking for any group shy an election.
• Not being supportive of all women. Women of color, transwomen, non-heterosexual women, disabled women, women from other nations, women of other religions, poor women, women that follow patriarchal ideals… are all women, so support them, damnit.

I wish I could change the world on so many things. Pity that the world doesn’t need to listen.

Computing is gendered.

And I don’t mean ratio of men to non-men. I mean this shit uses pronouns.

For a second-year computing course, we needed to choose partners for the assignments. To make this easier and not an exercise in “pick your friends,” the professor had us fill out a form; all of the forms were visible online. One had this treat:

Recursion rapes me bad.

I sat there stunned. Someone compared a methodology to rape. I grabbed the female TA; she couldn’t make any sense of it either. No one had considered that the answers needed to be reviewed.

And, to be fair, I don’t think it was a male student making this assertion. One of the female students I had in this course, exclaimed that a “test had raped [her].” Why? I’ve yet to hear a male student make a similar statement. But, then men don’t get raped.¹ Why would they describe themselves as being raped? None of the male students she was talking to called her on it. It’s acceptable for women being raped as a metaphor for a hard exam.

Grading assignments, I have written that “objects are not people” as part of the explanation as to why they are loosing points (or didn’t earn points). Why? Because Bob, Guy, Dood, etc. aren’t useful or descriptive variable names. They aren’t useful names for anything besides demonstrating that the writer has a “default male” worldview.

I point out when the male faculty members use “girl” to describe their students. They are getting better at it and know why the term is problematic. First off, this is a university. It’s pretty unusual for someone to be in attendance that hasn’t reached puberty or age of majority. It’s not the correct term. Second, there  is the issue that the equivalent “boy” is never used for men. It is an insult for a man to be called a boy; it should be viewed as equally insulting for a woman to be addressed as a “girl.”²

And then there are the textbooks. For reasons I can’t fathom, texts like to use pronouns. But, as “you” is too informal, the writers create a fictional reader character. This character is almost always masculine. And in the cases when it is feminine, it’s still problematic. Gendered pronouns exclude some readers. Having it masculine excludes women and asserts male privilege. But, the feminine pronouns also exclude men. Both he and she exclude genderqueer readers. So, can we please just use gender neutral pronouns? They, one, you, and the cornucopia of invented pronouns would all be an improvement.

So, how to promote feminist computing?

• Get these people into a women or gender studies class. It startles me that women are surprised that the problems they face in computing isn’t unique to computing.
• Continue or start calling out sexist behaviour or beliefs.
• Be inclusive. Not only to women, but  everyone.
• Emphasize the contributions of women, not because this is the special women example, but because that there are women that have contributed a lot to the field.

Any other suggestions?

¹ A US 1999 study found 9% of reported rape victims are men. That percentage may be lower as men are told that they “can’t be raped” and are belittled when they identify rape.
² This statement is problematic: it assumes that being that an adult is a better state than being a child. If anyone has a suggestion on maintaining the sexist comparison without asserting adult privilege, it would be appreciated.

Two days ago I interviewed for an Open Source internship at a branch of one of the largest tech companies on the planet. I got to hear, “prove you’re a programmer.” Unsurprisingly, my male roommate didn’t get asked that when he went to interview today.

Just so we’re clear, it’s discrimination if you ask a question to only a subset of applicants. No, there are no bullshit gray areas on this. This is the policy description held at that company.

So, what do I do? Or, more useful, what can people that find themselves in a similar situation do?

I have several advantages in that I knew most of the other interviewees. It’s really hard to know a question is only being asked of you if you’re the only interview session that you know about.

But what else?

Well, I’ve endeared myself to people that have a whole hell of a lot more influence than I do. My boss/mentor? Yeah, she and many of the faculty at my university were former employees of that company, going into academia upon retirement. She can easily get an audience with anyone there and get results out of someone.

I found and told my boss/mentor immediately to talk about this unfathomable question posed to me. And she agreed that it could have been phrased better. And stated that it could or could not be sexist, and that we’ll wait and see.

Yeah, not getting the position upset me. It sounded like a really good fit to me and my skills. But, no, I don’t want the job. First, why the hell would I want to work with some sexist asshole? Second, because it would be punishing someone (the intern chosen) who hasn’t done anything wrong.

So, what happens now? Most likely I’ll get an apology  from someone I’ve never heard of and have no beef with.

I can’t afford to sue for discrimination.

This company can’t be blacklisted as female-hating.

It’s a stalemate. One that I think happens a lot more than people talk about.

I think I know why boss/mentor was scared of what would happen if I applied to her former company. I don’t exactly fit.

¹ I was promised an email that would confirm I had the internship, or a rejection with feedback. Yeah, I didn’t get either. I got to hear it from my roommate that heard it from the person who did get it.

What’s wrong with being a…? Nothing. I am simply uncomfortable using term that include connotations and stereotypes that I don’t agree with or that are exclusive to me.

What does an X look like? What pronoun do you use? What scents do they have? What words do you use describe an X?²

All of those labels I reject? It’s because there’s a stereotype that one is male, heterosexual, European/European-American, teen to 20-something, cisgendered, and able-bodied.

Those stereotypes?  I am not the person that is being talked to by these groups.³

And, as is often required, how do I prove that I’m not the one being talked to? Happy example time:

• Reading a Wired article that stated the reader has a girlfriend with the implication that I am not female. I’m not male, heterosexual, or have a girlfriend, so definitely not talking to me.
• Reading job advertisements requiring that applicants be “rockhard geek guys.” In addition to not being a guy, I’m not okay with enforcing a definition of masculinity.
• Seeing a board game called Genji about writing poetry. This reappropriates the works of successful female writers⁴ of the Heian Period on to a male, fictional character. That is a rapist.
• Having nearly every female character as the “romantic interest” for the male (player) character. Yes, there are some exceptions. This insistence that there must be a (heteronormative) romantic relationship in a story is frustrating as an asexual.
• Being told by a person that disability and education are disjoint research subjects. Guess I should repay taxes that were wasted on my public education.
• Being called “Hitler” as a “joke.” It isn’t a joke if there isn’t a punchline.
• If I were to dress up as my favorite fictional characters, I will be in a position where I “deserve” to be sexually harassed, assaulted, and objectified.
• Having to hear that employees fitting the above stereotype helps to support diversity. Yeah, my head hurts.

And it’s not like I do not enjoy doing geeky things. And there are female geeks that proudly wear the geek badge. I’m just inclined to not use labels that reject me. For more on geeky subcultures and exclusivity, consider:

• Geek Feminism: blog that “exists to support, encourage, and discuss issues facing women in geek communities, including science and technology, gaming, SF fandom, and more.”
• “Being Inclusive vs Not Being Exclusive“: a very well written blog post on the difference between inclusive and implicit exclusivity.
• Feminists with disabilities for a way forward: Disabled feminists blog that includes critiques of social depictions of disability.
• The Iris Gaming Network: blog that promotes women’s perspectives on gaming.

¹ Dork, creative, designer, scientist, and technologist.
² I’m just going to apologize if I didn’t include some means of encoding informations. I think in lists, textures, and adjectives, which is kind of hard for others to grasp.
³ Saying these subcultures do not exclude me is not equivalent to including me. And not being inclusive is exclusive to me.
⁴ Although not relevant, not naming these women is dismissive of their value: Murasaki Shikibu is the writer of The Tale of Genji, and her rival Sei Shounago is best known for The Pillow Book. In the Heian period, being a court lady meant writing poetry to make your respective empress or courtesan look good. There were many others, but these two have made the most lasting impression.

Why am I talking about this?

After a 2 year reprieve, I am back to being depressed.¹

And the question that pisses me off the most is, “why are you depressed?” Because if there’s a cause, there must be a cure! Find the magical traumatic event and my brain will start pumping chemicals correctly!

… Wait.… I don’t think it works that way.

And, perhaps, this misconception arose from the mental illness categorization. Physical illnesses almost always have a cause associated with them: typically a bacteria or virus. Physical illnesses have causes. Mental illnesses? The medical cause is attributed almost exclusively to chemical imbalances.

B-B-But chemical imbalances are physical! Yes, yes they are.

I don’t view my two years without a significant depressive episode as being “cured.” Nor is my current state a “regression” or “new case.” I am a person with depression. There isn’t a cure. I have good days and bad days with my level of depression (and anxiety, for that matter).

Please don’t ask me for a cause. The cause is I’m effectively broken. Although, I prefer the existentialist answer of “because I am.”

For those that recognize that depression is a chemical imbalance, they demand that I take pills. As if I am too depressed to realize I want or “need” to take medication. As if I hadn’t already considered it.

As if I don’t have autonomy.

¹To be fair, it came back this summer and I just didn’t want to admit to myself that was the case. It has become increasingly severe, which is part of the reason why I haven’t blogged in a while. I didn’t feel like it. Presently, I’m forcing myself to do things that I used to enjoy.