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    EEG & Disability: TED Talk Reaction


    2010 - 06.24

    Posted in Disability, Rant, Society | 1 Comment »

    So, for those that don’t know, the TED conference that focuses on “ideas worth spreading.” Top specialists in various fields are invited to talk on their area of expertise and how they would like to change the world. EEG collects electrical signals from the brain noninvasively (usually with a cap and a scalp  covered in goop).

    Today, I got Dr. Aditi Shankardass‘s presentation, “A second opinion on learning disorders,” in my RSS feed (note: video and transcript are available on the page). And, I have very mixed opinions. Shankardass is an expert and is supporting a more medical definition of learning disorders; many learning disorders are defined by behavior as seen from an external view, not through the individual experience.

    Yet, there were several things in this video that grated on me. First, the nit picky things. By “learning disability,” it actually means “neurological disorder.” Learning disabilities are things like dyslexia. Autism (which this lecture focuses on), ADHD, epilepsy, and other examples are not learning disabilities (although, they impact learning). I don’t know if Shankardass named the  talk, as there was a slide where learning disabilities were noted separately from these other disorders.

    On to the just “ick” factor. For a seven minute video, “suffer” is used 7 times. Two of these were in relation to the neurotypical person suffering. Yes, because neurological disorders are the end all of intelligence. The locked/unlocked mind metaphor is used to describe communication deficits. Okay, just because the outside world isn’t getting the message, doesn’t mean a person is trapped.

    Finally, the straw that gets Alison to write rather than crash on the couch: Shankardass states she found half of children diagnosed with autism actually have brain seizures. Okay, first, there is no explanation of the numbers of children in the study, what part of the autism spectrum they were testing on, and other real basic scientific process. (I tried finding a paper on this work, but haven’t turned up anything.)

    I know damn well what it feels like when someone dismisses your disability or dismisses that you have a disability. By giving people more reasons to dismiss a disability, does not help people with disabilities. Alison’s inner theater1:

    Autistic Person: I have autism. Could you accommodate me by—

    Neurotypical: —I heard that’s really just brain seizures.

    Autistic Person: I don’t have epilipsy; I have autism.

    Neurotypical: Have you had an EEG? Or maybe you should just try some seizure meds.

    I wish I had a more optimistic view. But, I get to deal with people dismissing my disabilities, telling me “cures,” and ignoring my personhood regularly. I don’t expect people with autism to be free of negative experiences in relation to their disability. Which is different from “suffering” from a disability. It’s external forces (including people) that causes a person with disabilities to have difficulties.

    1 I do not have autism and do not speak for anyone with autism. Internal “theater” are compilations of a disordered mind.

    The Experience Curse, or The Lie of Meritorcricy


    2010 - 04.28

    Tags: , , ,
    Posted in Industry, Personal, Rant | Comments Off

    I have a lot of experience. I have a lot of experience in different areas. And, because of my incessant perfectionism, I work really fucking hard to excel at these different tasks.

    Meritocracy claims that everyone earns their place. Technology fields like to spout about how they are so meritocratic. And this is complete bull shit.

    The team above the group that demanded the bullshit “prove you’re a programmer” to me posted an internship. An internship that was a combination of marketing, intellectual property law, and open source software knowledge. I haven’t heard back from them. My male roommate (who has no marketing or law background and I wouldn’t trust to program his way out of a paper bag) has gotten a request for an interview. The person who got the previous position effectively saying that my roommate would be getting a job offer.

    … Apparently, being talented isn’t good enough. Knowing the right person outweighs it substantially.

    And, I know I sound bitter. But, I think it’s understandable. I work my ass off to be the best. It’s really special to see someone that has proved that they’re unreliable, incompetent, and arrogant regularly to be seen as so much better than me. I wouldn’t be angry if they were on equal par to me. Subpar though?

    … Yeah, I’m not buying this company’s products. Why would I want to pursue the creations of a company that doesn’t want the best for a position. Only the one that has a good bud.

    Labels and Acts of Geekry


    2010 - 04.09

    Tags: , , , , ,
    Posted in Diversity, Feminism, Miscellaneous, Personal, Rant, Society | Comments Off

    I don’t call myself a geek, programmer, hobbyist, maker, gamer, or nerd.1 It isn’t that the definition doesn’t fit me; I just do not like the connotations of the terms. And I really don’t feel inclined to redefine the terms to remove the connotations.

    What’s wrong with being a…? Nothing. I am simply uncomfortable using term that include connotations and stereotypes that I don’t agree with or that are exclusive to me.

    What does an X look like? What pronoun do you use? What scents do they have? What words do you use describe an X?2

    All of those labels I reject? It’s because there’s a stereotype that one is male, heterosexual, European/European-American, teen to 20-something, cisgendered, and able-bodied.

    Those stereotypes?  I am not the person that is being talked to by these groups.3

    And, as is often required, how do I prove that I’m not the one being talked to? Happy example time:

    • Reading a Wired article that stated the reader has a girlfriend with the implication that I am not female. I’m not male, heterosexual, or have a girlfriend, so definitely not talking to me.
    • Reading job advertisements requiring that applicants be “rockhard geek guys.” In addition to not being a guy, I’m not okay with enforcing a definition of masculinity.
    • Seeing a board game called Genji about writing poetry. This reappropriates the works of successful female writers4 of the Heian Period on to a male, fictional character. That is a rapist.
    • Having nearly every female character as the “romantic interest” for the male (player) character. Yes, there are some exceptions. This insistence that there must be a (heteronormative) romantic relationship in a story is frustrating as an asexual.
    • Being told by a person that disability and education are disjoint research subjects. Guess I should repay taxes that were wasted on my public education.
    • Being called “Hitler” as a “joke.” It isn’t a joke if there isn’t a punchline.
    • If I were to dress up as my favorite fictional characters, I will be in a position where I “deserve” to be sexually harassed, assaulted, and objectified.
    • Having to hear that employees fitting the above stereotype helps to support diversity. Yeah, my head hurts.

    And it’s not like I do not enjoy doing geeky things. And there are female geeks that proudly wear the geek badge. I’m just inclined to not use labels that reject me. For more on geeky subcultures and exclusivity, consider:

      1 Dork, creative, designer, scientist, and technologist.
      2 I’m just going to apologize if I didn’t include some means of encoding informations. I think in lists, textures, and adjectives, which is kind of hard for others to grasp.
      3 Saying these subcultures do not exclude me is not equivalent to including me. And not being inclusive is exclusive to me.
      4 Although not relevant, not naming these women is dismissive of their value: Murasaki Shikibu is the writer of The Tale of Genji, and her rival Sei Shounago is best known for The Pillow Book. In the Heian period, being a court lady meant writing poetry to make your respective empress or courtesan look good. There were many others, but these two have made the most lasting impression.

      Causation and Mental Illness


      2010 - 04.08

      Tags: , , , ,
      Posted in Personal, Rant | Comments Off

      Anxiety, depression, dissociative identity disorder,

      Why am I talking about this?

      After a 2 year reprieve, I am back to being depressed.1

      And the question that pisses me off the most is, “why are you depressed?” Because if there’s a cause, there must be a cure! Find the magical traumatic event and my brain will start pumping chemicals correctly!

      … Wait.… I don’t think it works that way.

      And, perhaps, this misconception arose from the mental illness categorization. Physical illnesses almost always have a cause associated with them: typically a bacteria or virus. Physical illnesses have causes. Mental illnesses? The medical cause is attributed almost exclusively to chemical imbalances.

      B-B-But chemical imbalances are physical! Yes, yes they are.

      I don’t view my two years without a significant depressive episode as being “cured.” Nor is my current state a “regression” or “new case.” I am a person with depression. There isn’t a cure. I have good days and bad days with my level of depression (and anxiety, for that matter).

      Please don’t ask me for a cause. The cause is I’m effectively broken. Although, I prefer the existentialist answer of “because I am.”

      For those that recognize that depression is a chemical imbalance, they demand that I take pills. As if I am too depressed to realize I want or “need” to take medication. As if I hadn’t already considered it.

      As if I don’t have autonomy.

      1To be fair, it came back this summer and I just didn’t want to admit to myself that was the case. It has become increasingly severe, which is part of the reason why I haven’t blogged in a while. I didn’t feel like it. Presently, I’m forcing myself to do things that I used to enjoy.

      Missing Something


      2010 - 02.19

      Tags: , ,
      Posted in Rant, Society | Comments Off

      Upon graduation, I will become medically uninsured. And that scares the shit out of me. My medical record more or less indicates that the inside of my head is a mess of pain and disorganization.

      What if a new insurance will not cover my preventative medications? Do I pay out of pocket or do I succumb to constant pain? What if I develop a new condition? Does that count as “preexisting” and not covered?

      Last election, it seemed that the US had voted for health care reform. But then the cries of “it’s socialism” came.

      This entire situation pisses me off. There are so many things wrong with it.

      First off, medical coverage in this country is classist. Not everyone can afford adequate health care. And with classism, comes our dear friends racism, sexism, and ableism; certain people are more likely to be poor.

      Second, the Congress people that vote against coverage get top-notch taxpayer provided health care. I don’t know why no one seems to think this is relevant. The people that make the decisions for everyone else already have single-payer health care. Can this be revoked? People voting it down and proclaiming its evil must not want it for themselves. Right? Right?

      I need a third party to be viable. Mostly because the Democrats do not fight for their convictions (or at least the ones they claimed to have). Alternatively, I could try running for a government position rather than lying down and accepting this bullshit.

      Third, why does everyone pick on socialism? It’s socialist to have:

      • Public access and maintenance of roads.
      • A postal service.
      • Public education.
      • Consumer protection regulations on food, medications, etc.

      I’m personally a fan of all of these services and more. (Who wants rat burgers?) Socialism accepts that people do not start at equal starting points, but works to allow equal opportunities for everyone.

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