Dr. Duck has done wonderful work towards outreach and encouraging children to pursue science and math. His name is on several papers that I have come to love, rereading as if they were a beloved novel.
I wanted to work with him.
Up until I met him.
Oh, and did meeting him hurt. My chest, two days later, still feels heartbroken. And I’m so tired of crying.
I spent my time with him having tears welling up in to my eyes. My anxiety echoing through my head, telling me that I wasn’t safe here and I needed to leave. I cried most of the hour drive home. I didn’t realize why I was so upset beyond that he caused it. I was so happy about meeting him, and now…
Turns out the person I admired counted disabled people as “other.” He repeatedly told me that his lab does education, not disability. These two things are mutually exclusive in his mind. I guess disabled children aren’t worth educating; it isn’t an unheard of belief. But, to hear this from someone I admire, someone whose fucking research is education…? I was godsmacked. All the data and stories indicating that society has enforced the failure of persons with disability, the number of children that are disabled, the National Science Foundation (which doled out a lot of grant money to this guy) pushing that people with disabilities are needed to attain diversity in the sciences, none of these things occurred to him.
When asked about my grades, I mentioned that I got two Cs in Calculus. And I briefly stated that my unaccommodated attention deficit was one of the reasons. “Yes, but what about your grades now?” I know that tone. I’ve heard it before. Directed at my brother who is on the more severe side of ADHD. That’s the tone of a pseudoskeptic. Someone that feels ADHD isn’t really a disability. Obviously, I just didn’t do well in Calculus and am making excuses. (We’ll just ignore the As on my assignments and the confused TAs.)
I’m still upset now. But, I’m comforting myself best I can that I could have had him actually had him as an advisor; that would be infinitely worse.
