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    Prove you’re a programmer


    2010 - 04.08

    That was the major question for an interview I had yesterday. An interview where the only clear direction I had was that I would be doing a 15 minute presentation for. So, I, was expecting an interview focused on my communication skills.

    And a lot of it was.

    And then there was the “prove you’re a programmer” line. Codeless, in a dim-lit room, with no sign of paper or blackboard. How do you answer that? “Here’s my transcript,” “define ‘programmer,’” talk again on projects I’ve done, or what?

    I went with the simplest for me: I grade code; I would hope that’s a good indication that I know how to program.

    I left that interview feeling completely dejected over that one little statement. Nearly in tears, I started the drive to school. And at times like these, I am so glad I have ADHD. Because, while conscious me was trying not to get myself killed from being an emotional breakdown, unconscious me was working out what other paths I could take besides accepting it: the main interviewer had invited me to email him, and he sounded interested in the C class project I had finished, so maybe I was suppose to send him some code? Based on the feedback I got, right answer.

    That said, “prove you’re a programmer” is a very problematic request. I understand that it is a valid concern; there are plenty of coding horror stories. But it could have been phrased so much better.

    “Prove you can do X” is demanded of members of minority groups in varying degrees within “inclusive” environments. Even better, as a member of a minority group means that you get to represent an entire group and that you are only valuable if your contributions are better (not equal to) the majority group.

    Specifically for computing, women’s roles are relegated to technical writing and graphic/interaction design. Women that make contributions that are outside that realm are held as exceptions. Exceptions that are then neglected when discussed outside the bubble of “women in computing.” Seriously, technology isn’t gendered, so why the hell are things made by women viewed as nonexistent?

    Now, to put on my disabled person’s hat. I’m used to dealing with ambiguous statements. Asking “how are you” I’ve learned isn’t a genuine question: the response is a neutral-good sentiment that’s one or two words. But, the question itself is peculiar when I process it: “how are you doing/feeling” or “what causes your existence.” To a normal person, the second version is almost never intended.

    But, being disabled puts me at greater risk than assuming an able-bodied role. And, able-bodied people will overwrite the signs that I don’t hide. That constant twitching, jumpy motion? Obviously, I’m nervous, not hyperactive. (Can’t for the life of me work out what the perception is when I’m clearly not nervous and still twitchy.)

    Statements that are purposefully ambiguous? Well, now I’m fucked. Usually, reinterpret normal talk into their non-ambiguous world view. Now I have to match a question with one answer to one that intends diverse answers.

    Shit.

    It will take a while before I actually catch on that the question has multiple correct answers. At which point, I’ve already spit out whatever answer I came to first.

    Double shit.

    This story may or may not have a happy ending. But, take away the knowledge that speaking from a position of privilege doesn’t mean that you’re saying what you think you’re saying.

    Asking a woman to “prove they’re a programmer” is linked with sexist remarks slung at women. Yeah, the interview probably didn’t intend it to be sexist, but that doesn’t take away the connotations of the statement. If you intend to include women, first step is to remove non-inclusive phrasing.

    Expecting everyone to not have a disability is ignorant. People with disabilities are expected to compensate for a disability, rather than society accommodate that disability. Demanding that I follow societal interpretations and recognize when this “communication contract” (secret normal people talk pattern) is broken takes away my power.

    Words have meanings.

    They have lots of meanings.

    They have meanings that aren’t even written down.

    Meeting Dr. Duck & More Ableism


    2009 - 12.18

    Dr. Duck has done wonderful work towards outreach and encouraging children to pursue science and math. His name is on several papers that I have come to love, rereading as if they were a beloved novel.

    I wanted to work with him.

    Up until I met him.

    Oh, and did meeting him hurt. My chest, two days later, still feels heartbroken. And I’m so tired of crying.

    I spent my time with him having tears welling up in to my eyes. My anxiety echoing through my head, telling me that I wasn’t safe here and I needed to leave. I cried most of the hour drive home. I didn’t realize why I was so upset beyond that he caused it. I was so happy about meeting him, and now…

    Turns out the person I admired counted disabled people as “other.” He repeatedly told me that his lab does education, not disability. These two  things are mutually exclusive in his mind. I guess disabled children aren’t worth educating; it isn’t an unheard of belief. But, to hear this from someone I admire, someone whose fucking research is education…? I was godsmacked. All the data and stories indicating that society has enforced the failure of persons with disability, the number of children that are disabled, the National Science Foundation (which doled out a lot of grant money to this guy) pushing that people with disabilities are needed to attain diversity in the sciences, none of these things occurred to him.

    When asked about my grades, I mentioned that I got two Cs in Calculus. And I briefly stated that my unaccommodated attention deficit was one of the reasons. “Yes, but what about your grades now?” I know that tone. I’ve heard it before. Directed at my brother who is on the more severe side of ADHD. That’s the tone of a pseudoskeptic. Someone that feels ADHD isn’t really a disability. Obviously, I just didn’t do well in Calculus and am making excuses. (We’ll just ignore the As on my assignments and the confused TAs.)

    I’m still upset now. But, I’m comforting myself best I can that I could have had him actually had him as an advisor; that would be infinitely worse.

    Unusual job suggestion


    2009 - 11.04

    My official title is Assistant to the Director of Mentoring and Retention. My work has varied from cleaning to keeping the Director sane to web site design to an in-class teaching assistant to mentoring to running a student group to grading. So far I haven’t had a significant amount of say in what work I will be doing.

    This semester has been hell though with grading. I am grading, by hand, the quality of the code submitted (the equivalent of a grammar check on an essay) for the second semester programming course. This latest assignment is taking 20-30 minutes to grade each student and with 66 submissions I can feel my brain melt.

    Because I’m having to use more mental and time resources than the Director expected when she signed me over to another prof, she has asked me what work I want to do my final semester. And the idea that I have in mind is very unusual.

    We have 200 and 400-level independent study credits. For several years, excluding last year, there has been a group independent study in the spring with students from both the 200 and 400 level. This is led by the Director and usually another faculty member with approximately 10 students. The purpose being to do undergraduate research as a group or groups and practice presenting findings in the spring poster session.

    I have asked to be the teacher for this course next semester.

    I know that at some point of my academic career I will be a lab/recitation teaching assistant. Between my social anxiety and attention deficit, I can honestly say that teaching will be difficult for me. So, I want practice first.  The group study seems like a good place to get my feet wet.

    1. No preset agenda.While I enjoy structure when learning, it will take some coaxing to keep me from going on a tangent.
    2. Minimal grading compared to normal TA work.
    3. Encouraging creativity and critical thinking. I’m passionate about learning; creative and critical thinking are fantastic skills for others to develop.
    4. Writing reports and researching literature are two of my strongest skills which I can teach to others.
    5. Small group size. Less people means less anxiety.

    The Director approves of this suggestion. Now, we just need to know whose approval we need for me to do something that’s never been done before by a graduate student, let alone an undergrad.