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  • Posts Tagged ‘anxiety’

    HCI, Or Look At My New Toy!


    2010 - 08.26

    Note: This is very US-centric.

    I get the impression that a lot of HCI professionals never matured past the “picture on the fridge” stage. If you read enough SIGCHI papers, it becomes that the “human” part is for NSF-funding rather than actually caring about people. And its understandable: we are very self rather than communally focused.

    … This is hard. I have decided to create my own field at 23 years old, despite—or because of?—emotional disabilities. It is so much easier to be like anyone else. But, then I wouldn’t be me. And, even if no one will come with me on this crazy path, I just have to believe that what I’m doing is worth it; that I’m helping people I may never meet.

    As  a high schooler, one of my English teachers would mark my essays thusly: underline a sentence I had written and write “so what?” in the margin. And that’s stuck with me.

    HCI professionals have developed a need to create interactions without any consideration to the device’s place in the world. And that’s really flawed. If the point of your field is developing interactions between people and technology, then you damn well ought to know something about people.

    It’s always fun to see new toys. But, I have enough experience that if your toy doesn’t fill a void in a person’s life than it will never be adopted.

    HCI papers, when we get to the people part will do a study on one of the following groups: women, minorities, children, people with disabilities or DIYers. And there is very little intersectionality within these groups for these studies. There is always a big emphasis on learnability of the system, and, to a lesser degree, creativity the users displayed.

    To anyone who writes papers this way, please go take a sociology class. (If you’re writing these papers, I know you’re economically privileged enough to further your education.)

    What’s wrong with these papers?

    • They focus on technology rather than on people. No matter how creative the system, a human judges its value.
    • There are no poor people in these studies. For minorities and people with disabilities, there’s systematic poverty. If your device costs much, then you aren’t going to be helping the people you claim to want to help.
    • Every participant has some prior technological experience. Widening the technology gap is unethical for our field.
    • Ignoring accessibility in educational settings. The ADA is a law, not a set of guidelines, and I’m totally down with suing you out of grant proposals.

    So, what do I want to do differently? First, I want HCI to redefined to “human-computer interfaces” because why keep lying about what you actually care about?

    Second, I want to develop a new field within computer science that integrates more with the social sciences and the arts. At present, I don’t know what to name it (and names are so damn important). Perhaps “Inclusive Computing” or “Human-Centric Tech” or even something outrageous like “Computational Humanity.” *shrug*

    Third, I want to continue raising awareness about socio-economic inequalities. I don’t care if you can make a fantastic device for five billion dollars. How can you help people using $5? I’m much more impressed by overcoming restrictions.

    Causation and Mental Illness


    2010 - 04.08

    Anxiety, depression, dissociative identity disorder,

    Why am I talking about this?

    After a 2 year reprieve, I am back to being depressed.1

    And the question that pisses me off the most is, “why are you depressed?” Because if there’s a cause, there must be a cure! Find the magical traumatic event and my brain will start pumping chemicals correctly!

    … Wait.… I don’t think it works that way.

    And, perhaps, this misconception arose from the mental illness categorization. Physical illnesses almost always have a cause associated with them: typically a bacteria or virus. Physical illnesses have causes. Mental illnesses? The medical cause is attributed almost exclusively to chemical imbalances.

    B-B-But chemical imbalances are physical! Yes, yes they are.

    I don’t view my two years without a significant depressive episode as being “cured.” Nor is my current state a “regression” or “new case.” I am a person with depression. There isn’t a cure. I have good days and bad days with my level of depression (and anxiety, for that matter).

    Please don’t ask me for a cause. The cause is I’m effectively broken. Although, I prefer the existentialist answer of “because I am.”

    For those that recognize that depression is a chemical imbalance, they demand that I take pills. As if I am too depressed to realize I want or “need” to take medication. As if I hadn’t already considered it.

    As if I don’t have autonomy.

    1To be fair, it came back this summer and I just didn’t want to admit to myself that was the case. It has become increasingly severe, which is part of the reason why I haven’t blogged in a while. I didn’t feel like it. Presently, I’m forcing myself to do things that I used to enjoy.

    Presentation


    2009 - 12.03

    Today, I’m to present my embedded system project. Because of energy drain on the battery, I was unable to integrate a camera into it for gesture detection. (This also means I have until Tuesday to do an entire A.I. project from scratch and write another presentation.

    I don’t do well with presentations. And for those that are curious, I have never been allowed an alternative means of earning my grade.

    “Tough it out.”

    “You’ll get better with practice.”

    “It’s only [N] minutes! It’ll be over fast.”

    “You’re smart. Why can’t you do this?”

    I spend the time before presentations thinking about all the things that I could do wrong. I will sometimes get sentences backwards: “The ball threw the boy” and the like.

    Being the center of attention feels like being  on trial to me. It doesn’t matter all the correct, informative, and useful things I may say. One error proves that I’m not as good as I had seem. That I’m faking my knowledge. I’m more judge-mental of myself than others. I know this, but I don’t feel that it’s really true.

    … I don’t like powerpoint slides. Yet, it’s expected that I use them anymore. I’m calmer and speak more clearly when ad-libbing. The absence of slides has become indicative of being unprepared to many people, so I’m forced to use them.

    The more I think about presenting, the more anxious I’m getting. And the anxiety will make me screw up. It’s a vicious cycle.

    On more than one occasion, I have been in tears when presenting. These result in a lower grade for me, independent of doing more research than my peers. Being able to explain to others orally has become more important than the quality of the work. I must not know what I’m talking about if I have difficulty explaining it in a neurotypical fashion.

    I associate textures, animals, and a few adjectives rather than pictures to most of the things I think about. If I’m asked to describe what a person looks like, I’m more likely to refer to an animal than recall what color their hair is.

    If I don’t think the same, I fail to see why I am forced to explain in their terms rather than my own.

    I’m getting angry on purpose again. It’s very easy to dismiss anxious feelings when one gets angry. Becoming angry is easy when one realizes one’s suffering isn’t fair or acknowledged.

    Unusual job suggestion


    2009 - 11.04

    My official title is Assistant to the Director of Mentoring and Retention. My work has varied from cleaning to keeping the Director sane to web site design to an in-class teaching assistant to mentoring to running a student group to grading. So far I haven’t had a significant amount of say in what work I will be doing.

    This semester has been hell though with grading. I am grading, by hand, the quality of the code submitted (the equivalent of a grammar check on an essay) for the second semester programming course. This latest assignment is taking 20-30 minutes to grade each student and with 66 submissions I can feel my brain melt.

    Because I’m having to use more mental and time resources than the Director expected when she signed me over to another prof, she has asked me what work I want to do my final semester. And the idea that I have in mind is very unusual.

    We have 200 and 400-level independent study credits. For several years, excluding last year, there has been a group independent study in the spring with students from both the 200 and 400 level. This is led by the Director and usually another faculty member with approximately 10 students. The purpose being to do undergraduate research as a group or groups and practice presenting findings in the spring poster session.

    I have asked to be the teacher for this course next semester.

    I know that at some point of my academic career I will be a lab/recitation teaching assistant. Between my social anxiety and attention deficit, I can honestly say that teaching will be difficult for me. So, I want practice first.  The group study seems like a good place to get my feet wet.

    1. No preset agenda.While I enjoy structure when learning, it will take some coaxing to keep me from going on a tangent.
    2. Minimal grading compared to normal TA work.
    3. Encouraging creativity and critical thinking. I’m passionate about learning; creative and critical thinking are fantastic skills for others to develop.
    4. Writing reports and researching literature are two of my strongest skills which I can teach to others.
    5. Small group size. Less people means less anxiety.

    The Director approves of this suggestion. Now, we just need to know whose approval we need for me to do something that’s never been done before by a graduate student, let alone an undergrad.